Before I Wanted to be a Writer

I recently shared on social media that my husband and I are expecting a baby girl. We’re bursting with joy and our heads are moving a mile a minute as we plan our baby shower, complete our nursery and reflect on how much our lives are going to change once this new little person comes into our world! It’s both thrilling and terrifying, the anticipation of being in entirely new territory, territory we’ve been waiting for our whole lives, territory which you can never really be prepared for.

As many of you know, there was always a part of me that wanted to be a writer even though I didn’t become consciously aware of it until I was a young adult. The idea of being a mother was different. A little girl playing with baby dolls, I was fully aware that I wanted to be a mother myself one day and I knew that doing so would be a very important part of my life, if not the most important part. As an undergrad, trying to decide on a career, I didn’t seriously consider the idea of tying myself firmly to any particular career path because I always believed I’d stop working when I had kids and be a stay-at-home mom. The concept is out of vogue perhaps, but as someone who was brought up by a stay-at-home mom I reaped the benefits of this experience firsthand and I’ve always wanted the same for my own kids, whatever I have to do to make it happen. The idea has been reinforced in my mind throughout the years but I first began thinking about this on a serious level when I was in college and dating someone who took a very different stance on the matter. The experience made me more aware of both what I was and wasn’t looking for in a partner as well as the idea that a decision I always imagined to be an easy one really isn’t so easy at all.

My feelings were further complicated when I graduated from college and fell in love…with writing. Though I didn’t plan it, a short amount of time and reflection made me realize that my schoolwork had been preventing me from fully exploring my passion for years and when I gave myself the time to pursue what I’d never before dared, I realized I possessed a serious interest, one I wanted to go the distance with. Ironically, at the same time, I was working in one of my earliest jobs at a daycare center (which inspired many of the ideas that became the workings of one of my first titles, Dangerous Proposal.) My days were long, hard and physically challenging and, though I knew some of the moms dropping their kids off at daycare worked out of necessity, others by choice, I was further reinforced in my feelings that I never wanted to be in a position to have to make that particular choice. At the same time, I was enjoying writing more and more and I saw what long hours and dedication are required to produce one’s best work. Being a writer is almost as demanding on one’s time as being a full-time mother. Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, I was nowhere near finding Mr. Right, and since I didn’t have the desire or resources to become a single mother at that time, I was able to put this internal battle aside, at least for the time being.

Finding the time to write when you work full time is challenging whether you have kids for not, and, as my life played itself out, I focused on the challenges at hand, keeping the idea in the back of my mind that there’d be many more of them when kids came along. I paid close attention to the lives of my fellow writers and I observed that while some juggled as many as 4 or 5 kids and still found the time to get their writing done, others became new parents for the first time and basically stopped writing altogether. I assured myself that I would never let the same happen to me but when I found my other half and realized that kids would likely be coming soon thereafter, I realized the decision I’d put off making would soon be close at hand. And though I often tell myself I can manage 20 things at a time with my hands tied behind my back (and often do!), it’s impossible to know what I’ll be able to manage until I’m facing a particular situation head on.

Life has been especially busy these last few months. Patience has never been my strong suit and in the midst of trying to keep it all together and make it look entirely seamless, it hit me like a bolt of lightning that my husband and I are about to receive the greatest gift two people can receive. Though there’s a multitude of responsibilities weighing on our heads, we’re about to experience one of the most wonderful parts of life and I, for one, don’t want to miss a minute of it! Writing will always be there but this time with our daughter during the first days of her life will be sacred. Baby comes first, everything else comes second. The stories inside me will never die. And if by chance I manage to find a bit of personal time, I just may release a new masterpiece or two everyone can love.